DB2H3 Hash #14

2004-Mar-07

Topless BASH
(in honor of the topless protest on Main Street)

Hares: Snake My Hole & Peace Whore

Hounds: Big Gulp; Richard Pierce; Shit Dickler; Gilligan; No Blow; Way Beyond Gay; Mary Pussy Poppins

Late Cummers: Sunk n Shit; Lollipoop; Bear Ass

Virgins: Tigger and Father Phil McCrackin

This was Snake My Hole's first time being a hare and his pits were sweating. Soon the scurvy hashers arrived and Snake's driveway was littered with Wal-Mart specials, tricycles, circus bears riding unicycles, and Peace Whore's cat, Tigger, contemplating how he might best escape the madness.

The hare was away on his new Specialized Poly-Carbon-Titanium-Uranium Mountain Bike (with Dilitheum Crystals in the drive train) to put the final touches on his hash--the Topless Hash. He ripped off his shirt and gave a primal scream as he rode away, narrowly missing the circus bears in his joyful haste. His nipples became erect in the stiff breeze.

A short while later, the hounds tried to leave but had to wait on Mary Pussy Poppins. He had found the tray of suntan lotions and was...ahem...very self-involved. The first Tit-Check was right up the road and Way Beyond Gay bravely explored the area while Mary Pussy and No Blow whined at Peace Whore to tell them which way was trail. They continued whining even while Way found trail and disappeared from sight. Gilligan, Big Gulp, and the others were somewhere up ahead.

Trail wound its way through beachside neighborhoods and then along A1A (better to see all the big-boy bikes). We continued north on the beach until Grenada. It was a beautiful stretch of trail and Shit Dickler looked like he was really enjoying riding in those hot long blue-jeans.

No Blow missed the chalk talk and tried to range off-trail, but Peace Whore yanked him back in line and they continued until Grenada, crossed A1A and headed toward the river. No Blow tried to lead Mary Pussy Poppins and Shit Dickler off trail, but Peace Whore bitched at him again: "Follow the f***ing arrows!"

Did you say "Swallow the sparrows?" No Blow yelled (it was very noisy with traffic).

"She said, 'Wallow with Eros' Shit Dickler yelled.

"No--she said she likes Mia Farrow!" Mary Pussy Poppins yelled.

After all that yelling, they continued to the Grenada bridge where a titty check was quickly dispatched and trail wound under the bridge. Cool breezes, winos getting blow jobs, dead fish...it was all quite scenic. We then passed by Rockefeller Family's old tree fort or club house or something. Trail went through the Ormond Memorial Gardens with yet another titty check (lots of tits for the topless hash). Soon after this, the hounds entered a cemetery, found a BC on the road and began hunting among the gravestones for the booty they knew was getting warm.

Peace Whore thought she was the last to roll in but found out that Big Gulp had started flirting with a Harley rider at a red light and was last seen heading west on state road 40 looking confused. No Blow claimed to have yelled at her to "follow the f**ing arrows," but instead she seemed to be chasing after some sparrows.

Then we realized that Way was missing. A quick use of verboten technology on trail, a cell phone, soon revealed Way's whereabouts. It turns out that while he had been present at the chalk talk, he hadn't actually listened to anything that was said. When asked why he hadn't turned left at the appropriate point, Way told us he kept going north because he saw bicycle tracks on the beach and just assumed they were from us. Though he claimed to be up by Ron Rice's house, Way soon showed up at the Beer Check. Big Gulp had also arrived after being yelled at for riding through the gardens on her bike. "I'm just following the arrows" she pleaded. "Juice in wheelbarrows?" yelled the woman. "Where!!???"

We took some photos, had group sex on a crypt and then re-mounted. Trail ambled in and out of neighborhoods, past a State Trooper and then it began to rain. This kept things cool and wet, and helped wash away evidence of our orgy in the graveyards. Once again, co-hare Peace Whore brought up the rear and was surprised to find that despite her best efforts, Way Beyond Gay was still DFL.

We ate big subs, slaw, potato salad, chips and green pickles, talked about going to Main Street to see the Topless Protest and drank cheap beer. Turns out Lollipoop, Bear Ass and Sunk n Shit had been down there and had seen no tits. They came where they knew they'd find tits and more. They weren't disappointed.

Snake My Hole pulled out a huge bin of porno tapes and everyone got to pick one as a hash party favor. No Blow picked the "The Black Analist" while Lollipoop filled a shopping bag. Soon the magazines were opened and Tigger found himself to be a pussy surrounded by porn (No Blow has a great photo of this--maybe he'll post it?)

No Blow forced Peace Whore to conduct circle, and she did so in her crude, Peace Whore-ian way. We even heard a couple of new songs. Out of towner down-down for Mary Pussy, too-long in betweens and every thing else we could think of. The best part was singing Swing Low (Snake's neighbor is a Priest).

THEN things started to get really ugly. No Blow began yelling exorcist-like provocations at the Priest, at Tigger, at anyone who would listen. Bear Ass showed her mams and the hashers starting taking creative soft-porn photos.

Snake and Peace thought they were having a successful hash, but then they found out that everyone was just hanging out until free drinks at the Iron Horse started. To pass the time, they played Poker. Peace Whore got drunk and gave Gilligan her money while Richard cheated every hand he played. The last game they played was F*** Your Neighbor.

Finally, the boys went off to Iron Horse to pretend to be bikers and the sun set on yet another beautiful bash.

Don't you wish you were there?

(I held back and was told not to tell about the bathroom sex, the video tape session, the sperm pact, or the lesbian dioramas).

-Peace Whore

Last modified: Saturday, 2009-Mar-07 05:29:48 PM EST